not everything sacred needs to be shared
One of the first things my patients ask me is, “Have you tried it?” As part of my training, I participated in an experiential retreat. I did not feel that I would be adequately prepared to provide psychedelic treatment without having experienced it myself. I needed to be able to relate to my patients as they entrust me with their care. So here is my journal entry after my first Ketamine journey.
“It’s hard to believe it was a 2 hour journey. It felt like 15 minutes, but also a lifetime. I went searching for the meaning of life (no pressure). At first distracted by my surroundings, I could hear the talking, the laughing, the crying. After the last 100mg (of a 400mg total oral dose), I finally left my body. I remember thinking “I need to get out of here.” “Here” being this shell of flesh and bone. I wanted to experience what others speak of - traveling to a different plane. I remember seeing the room, then the room collapsing in on itself, then shifting shapes and a very clear direction to follow. It was as if I couldn’t control it and it was just sweeping me along. I was on a rollercoaster track, traveling through different rooms within my mind. The track dipped and dived and every room became less and less complex, one dimension fading and blending into the next. Pink and rubbery tracks like arms faded into blue and white checkerboard, losing depth. Occasionally, I would see a familiar face pop in, David, Steve, Harvey, Veronica, Meg. I tried to follow the voices but I knew that wasn’t the way I should go. So I let it take me. The checkerboard flattened to a thin wire, each level collapsing until I floated into space as a tiny speck of light.
I forgot who I was. “I” didn’t exist. Nothing existed and I got a little frightened. “What if I never find my purpose? Who am I? Who are any of us?” I saw other specks of light floating around me, like atoms colliding in a void. Words disappeared and I no longer understood language. I forgot my name. I FORGOT MY NAME. I looked around trying to grasp at anything that was recognizable. “LESLIE,” the letters formed in front of me. First as thin wire, then more solid. Then just as I went in, the dimensional layers started to put themselves back into place. I was sucked down into a well and as the layers filled the space, I rose up standing on each of them, growing taller and taller. As if being reborn from the earth, I reemerged on the mat in the room with the familiar voices floating back to me. Language, there it is! I understand it! The connections, the “layers” are so complex. Humans are so complex. But we can all be stripped to the core of our existence. A small individual light floating with other small lights in the void, bouncing off each other and adding layers as we go until we form the whole of us.
I lost myself and found myself. The rebuilding wasn’t frightening. It just was. At our core, we are beings of light, shining out to each other from these shells of flesh and bone.”
Not everything sacred needs to be shared. But I share this journey with you because the path to healing is human connection.
With infinite love,
Leslie Drapiza, MD
